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March 23 Joking Around!  Hi Everyone! I am back again. After such a long illness I am raring to get going and bring on some laughter! I hope that you enjoy these jokes and now that I am feeling better I am sure to update more often!
Theory Of Creation
Theory of Creation God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man,
to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25
years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to
tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the
monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please,
Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the
earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You
will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for
only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15
years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule
working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years
as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry, then, in
his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
Words To Live By
 Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. The Second mouse gets the cheese. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same
box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. The Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole
truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door
he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't
tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I
know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his
front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your dad a big hug.”
I hope you have enjoyed these jokes, I will be adding more a little later!
 I wish you a wonderful Friday and that you have an even better weekend.
Take care and big hugs,
 Please Sign My
October 06 More Laughs Just For You!
Marriage For The Seniors George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." George: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" George: "How about support hose for circulation?" George: "What about medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis & arthritis? " George: "How about waterproof furniture pads & Depends?" George: "Hearing aid & denture supplies &! ; reading glasses?" George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol & Ensure?" George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?" George smiles & replies to the pharmacist, "We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry
Interview with an OBGYN
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? Q: How long is the average woman in labor? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
Fall-Down Drunk He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
The Eve of Creation "Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says. "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her. "What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires. "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" she asks. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
The Lost Chapter in Genesis God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history....
Things I've Learned From My Children 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old. 11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Blond Jokes Suicidal Blonde "Shut up! You're next!"
Not All Blondes Are Dumb
Turkey Roll She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
Blonde Kidnapper
I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?
Country Doctors
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
I hope you are having a great weekend and I managed to give you a laugh or two. Take care and hugs,
Please Sign My
September 12 Just For Laughs!  Hi guys! I am trying to get myself a new monitor as mine is dying slightly.
Do me a favor and click on this link and check it out please. Maybe you could win one as well.
Check it out, please?
Thank you so much,
Kitty.
Computer Lingo Guide
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove. Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove.
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning.
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove.
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work.
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove.
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm.
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season.
Enter - Come on in.
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below.
Screen - What is a must during black fly season.
Chip - What you munch during a football games.
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone.
Modem - What you did to your fields last July.
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife.
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit.
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them.
Software - Plastic picnic utensils.
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard.
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof.
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock.
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it.
  The Computer User's Reboot Poem
and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete. Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot. You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.  Computer History of the World
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
General Protection Fault
  I Deserve a First Class Seat!
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
First Experience Horse Riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.  Please Sign My
August 13 Kitty's Laugh for the Day! The Biggest Emoticon in the World!!!
(My boarder Liz sent me this and I just couldn't resist. LOL)
   How to clean your toilet
Advice from a housemate 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
   Police Emergency
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
The Drunken Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 Mommy Almost Died
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."
 Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Is Windows a virus?
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems.
Windows does that too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and
the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
Please Sign My
July 20 125 Things NOT to Say During Sex!!! Todays joke may not be for everyone but then again I hope you enjoy:
125 Things Not to Say during Sex!
1.) Is it in? 2.) That's it? 3.) You've got to be kidding me! 4.) (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you? 5.) Do I have to pay for this? 6.) Do I have to call you tomorrow? 7.) Oh momma, momma! 8.) Oh dadda, dadda! 9.) You look better in the dark! 10.) This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. 11.) I thought that goes in the other hole... 12.) Don't tell my husband/wife. 13.) You have the same bra my mom does. (Worse if the girl says it). 14.) This sucks! 15.) Can you finish now? I have a meeting... 16.) I hope you don't expect a raise for this... 17.) I think you might get the job for this. 18.) Damn! Is that all you know how to do? 19.) Did I tell you? I have herpes? 20.) Now we must get married! 21.) Hurry up! The game is about to start! 22.) I'm hungry! 23.) I'm thirsty! 24.) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 25.) Are you trying to be funny? 26.) Can I have a ride home after this? 27.) Are those real? 28.) By the way, I want to break up! 29.) Is that smell coming from you? 30.) Haven't you done this before? 31.) Wow!! I've never seen those before! (then grope wildly). 32.) Do you know what some female spiders do after sex? 33.) You're so much like your sister..... 34.) Your Mon's cute! 35.) What's your name again? 36.) Do I have to be here in the morning? 37.) A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time! 38.) But you just started!! 39.) You're a good as a 9 year old, and I should know! 40.) Don't touch that!! 41.) Can we order a pizza? 42.) I think my Dad is listening at the door! 43.) Smile for the camera, honey!!! 44.) Take off that damn monkey glove!! 45.) Get your hand outta there!! 46.) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago. 47.) I knew you wore a padded bra!! 48.) Cover me boys, I'm going in!!! 49.) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! 50.) Fire one! 51.) God, that is small!!! 52.) Hold on, let me change the channel... 53.) Who smells like fish? 54.) Is it o.k. if my Mom (and/or Dad) joins in? 55.) Your best friend does it much better. 56.) Hope you don't mind, I left my boots on. 57.) Hurry up, the motors runnin'. 58.) You're fogging up the wind-shield! 59.) Can I borrow 5 bucks? 60.) What the hell noise was that?! 61.) Stop moaning, you sound so stupid! 62.) Shut up,bitch! (worse if the girl says it!) 63.) You know, you're not really attractive. 64.) I'm sorry, I was not listening. 65.) What? Oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!! 66.) Stop interrupting me!!! 67.) I have to take a shit. 68.) Did I leave the iron on? 69.) Your breath is funky. 70.) (start singing Green Day). 71.) Is it o.k. if I call someone? It's o.k. though, keep going... 72.) It's okay honey, I can imagine that its bigger. 73.) God I wish you were a real woman. 74.) Why can't you ever shave your legs? 75.) By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over you dog... 76.) Oh Susan! Susan...I mean Donna...shit! 77.) Your breast milk is like my Mom's... 78.) You're hairy!! 79.) Your "Happy Trail" led me to a dead end. 80.) Is it o.k. if I never see you again? 81.) Did I forget to tell you that I got worms from my cat? 82.) Don't make that face at me! 83.) All of a sudden I have a headache. 84.) You're boring. 85.) I like you tits. 86.) Suck mt dick, bitch! 87.) How much do I owe you? 88.) How come we each have a penis? 89.) Of course you can't be on top! You're too fat! You'll kill me! 90.) Your ass is hairy (the guy says this) 91.) Just use your finger, it's bigger! 92.) Does your family HAVE to watch? 93.) We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too. 94.) Get off me! I'll do it myself!!!!!! 95.) Can you hold this sandwich for me? 96.) You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out. 97.) The only reason I am doing this is because I am drunk. 98.) My Mom taught me this.... 99.) How cute... peach fuzz! 100.) Damn girl! My tits are bigger than your's! 101.) Should I ask why you are bleeding? 102.) This is my pet rat, Larry.... 103.) If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can! 104.) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker! 105.) I was once a woman.... 106.) Wanna see me take out my glass eye? 107,) No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!! 108.) Is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this? 109.) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! 110.) You wanted me to use a condom? 111.) You're no better than my brother!!! 112.) Mooooooooooooooooo!!!! 113.) Fire in the hole!! 114.) I wanna see how many quarters fit in there. 115.) Hurry up! I'm late for a date! 116.) Okay, start....oh! that feels so....YOU'RE DONE??!! 117.) You ever see basic instinct? 118.) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock? 119.) Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer! 120.) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from? 121.) You got boogies showing. 122.) (Start reciting the Ten Commandments). 123.) I think I just shit in your bed. 124.) Of course I don't love you. 125.) Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h-m-i-n-t. India added this one! Making my list now 126 Things Not to Say During Sex! Go visit her at: 126.) 'That reminds me I've gotta buy some cocktail sausages for dinner tomorrow'
Diane added the 127 to Things NOT to Say During Sex! Go visit her at: 127.) "Oh, you didn't know I had a penis ring??"
Lalane added 128 to Things NOT to Say During Sex! LOL Please go visit her at: 128.) "Have you done this with your ex?" 128.) "Have you done this with your ex?" If anyone else would like to add onto my list please feel free to do so! Just leave you're Things Not to Say During Sex! and I will add it to the list along with your link. Lets see how many more we can come up with.
Take care and lots of big hugs,
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May 16 Thanks!
 This joke was e-mailed to me by Callie when I was feeling rather low.(She is such an Angel.) It really put a smile on my face when I read it so I wanted to share it with all of you!
   Thanks...
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls t o Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time) I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. So, have a great day and thanks for all your freaking help!!!!!!  Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting: ".....HOLY SHIT.....what a ride".
Thank you Callie! Your wonderful sense of humour really cheered me up! If you would like to visit her just follow this link:
 has been nominated for
The Most Interactive Space Award!
PLease click here to go to
 To vote for India's Den of Iniqity!
Thank you!
Take care and hugs,
Kitty.
Bonniest Baby Under 2 years Competition
India's Den Of Iniquity
This is a picture of my son Jonathan when he was a baby! He is 28 years old now and is still my pride and joy!
Would you please vote for him in the Bonniest Baby Under 2 years Competition
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April 20 It's That Time Again!
Your First Time Its your first time and as you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while, searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed. As he approaches you, he asks if you are afraid. You shake your head bravely. He has had more experience but its the first time, his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver your body tenses but he is gentle as he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for easy entrance. You begin to plead with him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time wanting to cause you little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel a slight trickle of blood. He continues and looks at you with a concerned look and asks you if its too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting and glad to have it over. He looks at you smiling warmly, tells you that you have been his most stubborn but yet rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all it was your first time having a tooth pulled. Now WHAT was it that YOU were thinking of??? You have to remember this IS a family site! LOL
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"
The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster? The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politicallydivided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question. 6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
Speaking of questions here is another Quiz for everyone! To those who are brave enough to try it, once again I will post the answers in a few days in a new blog! This one is called:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Awwwww come on people give it a try. It CAN'T be that hard can it? LOL
PLease vote for
Thank you!
Kitty.
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April 13 Answers to the The Brain Teasers!
 Brain Teasers
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it? Ans:
The word "incorrectly." {Almost cracked your brain, didn't you?}
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
Ans:
1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two. 3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
Ans:
None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh. 4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
Ans:
White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear. 5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
Ans:
Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three. 6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
Ans:
Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
Ans:
None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.) 8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?
Ans:
Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down... 9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
Ans:
The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78. 10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy)
Ans:
An umbrella. 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
Ans:
One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack. 12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
Ans:
The temperature.
Only three people decided to give my Brain Teasers try. But to make a long blog short I am going to just give their answers:
 CallieHuggles:
1. Incorrectly = right
2. It didn't say = wrong
3. 3 rungs = wrong
4. NO House has all four walls facing south duhh, so who who colors what color a bear it, He better be making sure the it don't fall on him... WHITE = right
5. 3 = wrong
6. Sloppy was a fish and the shutters knocked his bowl over and it broke leaving sloppy demised. = right
7. It's a HOLE the Dirt is OUT of the hole now. = right
8. Well the 30 degree bucket would keep it from hitting the bottom at all..
if it was in canada? Ummm how do you get the water the same Temp? Same answer Can't hit a frozen bucket of water BOTTOM... = wrong
9. 12-6-1978 12:34 ?? = right
10. umbrella = right
11. one BIG stack = right
12. the tempurature = right
Callie has 8 answers right and 4 wrong.
 Friends
songfairy:
1. incorrectly = right
2. a quarter to two. = right
3. no answer = wrong
4. White = right
5. 3 = wrong
6. no answer = wrong
7. No dirt in a whole it's empty. = right
8. no answer. = wrong
9. No answer. = wrong
10. umbrella = right
11. 1 = right
12. No answer. = wrong
Songfairy has 6 answers right and 6 answers wrong.
thatannagirly:
1. Incorrectly (wednesday is another option, btw) = right
2. 12:55 = wrong
3. none, the ladder is on a boat, and boat float. = right
4. White. if all four walls face south, then the house must be built on the north pole, and any bear up there is a polar bear. = right
5. multiplication comes before addition, so it's equal to three. = right
6. my guess is that poor Sloppy is a fish whose bowl was broken and died of all the water draining from the bowl. = right
7. a hole, by definition, has no dirt in it. = right
8. 30 degree F water is frozen, so the bowling ball wouldn't reach the bottom, thus it would reach the bottom of the 45 degree water bucket first.
in Canada? frozen water is frozen water = wrong
9. 12:34 5/6/78 = right
10. No answer. = wrong
11. if he combined all the haystacks he would have only one haystack. = right
12. temperature, pressure, but I'm thinking that you're looking for the sun. = right
thatannagirly has 9 answers right and 3 answers wrong.
And the winner with 9 right answers ( drum roll please!LOL) is: thatannagirly!
A BIGGGGGGGG Congratulations to you!
I truely hope that you enjoyed our little brainer and will come around for the next one.
Pleasel visit each of the participates wonderful sites:
thatannagirly = Chloroform the one you love...
CallieHuggles = Let Positive Voices be Heard
The songfairy = India's Den Of Iniquity
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March 29 Brain FREEZERS! LOL
The smile test A noted therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
Keep off the Grass A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Here is a Brain Teaser for everyone to try! Write the answers in the comment area and see how many you can get right! In a day or two I will tell you who has the most correct answers! You may find it just a bit hard but then it wouldn't be called a Brain Teaser if it were that easy now would it? Have fun with it! LOL
Brain Teasers
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy)
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
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March 21 Light or Dark?
 Yesterday was one of those days when truth was stranger than fiction! As least as far as my boarder Jan was concerned! LOL
Monday morning started for her just as every Monday does. She got up in the morning, had her shower, got dressed and packed her backpack for school. She is in the same ALP classes that I was in. After she finished she went down stairs to make a pot of coffee and to have a bite to eat before she left for school. The rest of us were still asleep.
After she made the coffee she decided on having a light breakfast and got the bread out of the fridge to make some toast. Then Jan went to the counter to get the toaster ready. Now Jan is someone who does things differently than everyone else. Before she plugs in the toaster she pushes the handle down and puts the bread into the toaster. Then she plugs it in. We tease her a lot about the way she does things, in a friendly sort of way naturally. She dyes her hair blond so that she is always getting all the blond jokes! LOL
Well as I was saying she does things differently and yesterday morning was no exception. But this time she was in for the shock of her life. As she readied the toaster by pushing the handle down she noticed what she thought was movement in the toaster and suddenly a mouse climbed out of the appliance. Poor Jan didn't know what to do, whether to laugh or scream (she is terrified of mice). She was just getting over the shock of it when a second mouse jumped out of the toaster and ran toward her. LOL Needless to say when she left the house she hadn't bothered with her breakfast. I really can't say that I blame her very much.
Well after she told me the story and I disinfected the toaster she finally got her piece of toast. But now when she wants a piece of toast I ask her" How would you like your MOUSE? Light or dark? I KNOW for a fact that she is going to get even with me for that one! LMAO!!!!!! And also for writing this! Heh, heh, heh.
February 26 Some more Jokes just for you!
This was sent to me in an e-mail. I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with all of my readers! Hope you enjoy it!
WALMART APPLICATION: This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes; so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
25 Things Cat Lovers Know
Bungee Jumping
Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Have a great day!
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February 03 Kitty Jokes
I thought you might like to see how much time you spent on The Kavern! LOL
How To Give Kitty A Bath Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don't expect too much.) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.   Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) Clear large space on table for wrapping present. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string. Remove present from bag. Remove cat from bag. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of. Place present on cut-to-size paper. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper. Put present in box, and tie down with string.Remove string, open box and remove cat. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!) Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try to hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
September 28 Even More Jokes!!
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?" A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
A Male Driver's Observation: I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car something like every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. ! Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as Dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females Carry weapons and this number is increasing. This means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight? His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roger!"
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.
A young Navy 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Naval Amphibious Base in Coronado, California. He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Lieutenant picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chitchat with the Base Commander. He threw Captain's and Admiral's names around and talked about letting them stay at his Daddy's ranch in Arizona, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility. Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you Ensign?" The ENS said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."
A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." "I'm sorry," says the flight attendant, "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant askes the pilot what she said to the blonde. "It's simple," says the pilot. "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?" Hope you enjoyed the jokes and
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September 19 Even More Jokes! I DO Love Em'!
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It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!" The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her Slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did very well and came in third place. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS they buried the bishop the next day.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock...."
There were three girls and they were all going to get executed. One was a brunette, one was a blond, and the last was a red head. First the brunette stood in front of the executioner. He said any last words and she said no. The Executioner said ready aim... and the brunette says EARTHQUAKE and they all hide and she escapes. Next the red head comes up in front of the executioner and he says again any last words, she says no. The executioner says ready aim... and the red head says TORNADO. And they all hide and she gets away. The blond has gotten an idea to get her out of it just like the others, so Last the blond comes in front of the executioner and he says any last words she says no. He says ready aim... and the blond says FIRE!
Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!"
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hires a famous Asian detective to observe and inform him of any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: You leave house. He come house.
THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON A STUDENT’S REPORT CARD… BUT CAN’T
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic sling to hold it all together.
7. Student has been working with glue too much.
8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
12. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.
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September 03 Jokes
This is cute but the message real and serious....
After 30 years of astute care,
Next time that they make me do this,
Hypnotist A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
Hey Friends...
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. ......happy day.
August 13 Just For Fun Part 2
 A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:
What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They leave their toys everywhere. 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. 9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
July 29 Just For Fun!
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt..Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,...And whispers:......"Iron this."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate. `" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate. `" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too!"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him, "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Never Fall Asleep In Church One day Mr Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pully thing - not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you? After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shit happens.
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You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
Your blog is a peaceful, calming force in the blogosphere. You tend to avoid conflict - you're more likely to share than rant. From your social causes to cute pet photos, your life is a (mostly) open book.
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