Please vote for Kitty's Kavern for The Greatest Site On MSN Award! Thank you!

 

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!" The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

 A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

 Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her Slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did very well and came in third place. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS they buried the bishop the next day.

 A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock...."

 There were three girls and they were all going to get executed. One was a brunette, one was a blond, and the last was a red head. First the brunette stood in front of the executioner. He said any last words and she said no. The Executioner said ready aim... and the brunette says EARTHQUAKE and they all hide and she escapes. Next the red head comes up in front of the executioner and he says again any last words, she says no. The executioner says ready aim... and the red head says TORNADO. And they all hide and she gets away. The blond has gotten an idea to get her out of it just like the others, so Last the blond comes in front of the executioner and he says any last words she says no. He says ready aim... and the blond says FIRE!

"

Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!"

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hires a famous Asian detective to observe and inform him of any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:

You leave house. He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree, not see.
NO FEE

 THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON A STUDENT’S REPORT CARD… BUT CAN’T

 

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic sling to hold it all together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

12. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.

 

  

Please vote for Kitty's Kavern for The Greatest Site On MSN Award! Thank you!

 

 

Please sign my

 

   Top of Page