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How To Give Kitty A Bath

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

 

 

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) Clear large space on table for wrapping present. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string. Remove present from bag. Remove cat from bag. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of. Place present on cut-to-size paper. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper. Put present in box, and tie down with string.Remove string, open box and remove cat. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!) Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try to hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

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