The time on Cape Breton Island is:

   

 

 

This was sent to me in an e-mail. I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with all of my readers!  Hope you enjoy it!

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes; so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

1. An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. 
2. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
3. Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
4. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
5. A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
6. A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.
7. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
8. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
9. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
10. Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
11. Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
12. Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
13. Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
14. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
15. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
16. I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
17. I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
18. In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
19. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
20. One cat just leads to another.
21. People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
22. Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
23. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
24. When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
25. You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
    

Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

Have a great day!

 

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